Q: What's the problem with lawyer jokes?

A: Lawyer's don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes.

 

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

 

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?

A: In the cemetery.

 

Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?

A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

 

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start!

 

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

A: His lips are moving.

 

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

 

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

A: Professional courtesy.

 

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

A: Not enough sand.

 

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

A: To practice.

 

Q:   What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A:   Senator.

 

Q:   What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

A:   An offer you can't understand.

 

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A man walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.

"I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well -- only double."

The man thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced.

Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But every lawyer in the world has just recieved $20,000,000," the genie said.

"I've always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That's my second wish."

Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But every lawyer in the world has just received two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?"

"Well," said the man, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney...

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After their car broke down on a lonely country road, three men sought a night’s shelter at a farmhouse. The farmer, poor but eager to help them, said that he only had two beds so one of the three would have to sleep in the barn.

Immediately, one of the travelers, a polite Hindu mathematician, agreed and left for the barn. A short while later he returned and apologetically explained that there were cows in the barn and for religious reasons he could not sleep there.

 

Another of the guests, a conservative rabbi, volunteered, picked up his bedding and left for the barn. It wasn’t long before he returned complaining that the pig in the barn made it impossible for him to sleep there.

 

The last of the stranded trio, a lawyer, sighed and grudgingly picked up his bag and shuffled off to the barn.

 

Soon, there was another knock at the door. When the farmer answered it, there were the cows and the pig.

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A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out!"

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me in front of my lawyer.'"

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It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

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A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?".

"Sure do," replied the bartender.

"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

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A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

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A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"

The housewife replies: "Four!".

The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."

The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

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A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:

"How much for Engineer brain?"

"3 dollars an ounce."

"How much for doctor brain?"

"4 dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"

"100 dollars an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

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"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

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Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."

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God decided to take the devil to celestial court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

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Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

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What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?

A boxing referee doesn't get paid extra for a longer fight.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.

What's the difference between a lawyer and an angry rhinoceros?

The lawyer charges more.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

What's the difference between a lawyer and a computer nerd?

Sooner or later everyone needs a lawyer.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other is a catfish.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?

A hooker will stop screwing you after you are dead.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?

A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.